omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
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