Jerry, you need to find god
it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
Is it weird that I have contacts who i've classified as DO NOT ANSWER?
Lol no its called college
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Randomize
