just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
Let's paint friendship bongs
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Randomize
