and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
The night ended with a lot of tears and everyone singing along to Willenium
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
