Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
