So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
Charles is a playa. And I don't mean the spanish word for beach.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
normally i wouldnt have blown him but he was on dawsons creek.. i love dawsons creek.
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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