he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
Randomize
