The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
