i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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