Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Bought asot tix too. After Saturday I'm gonna be reborn like Jesus and no drugs until edc
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
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