The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
