I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
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