I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
All the doctor said was why
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
Randomize
