he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Randomize
