Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
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