i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
Randomize
