I just applied for an unsubsidized loan naked. I love the internet.
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
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