life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
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