New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
so would me posting the photos of the cock and coin jar incident be completely out of the question?
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
Randomize
