i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Randomize
