i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
just curious, were the inflatable penis' received? Amazon says they were delivered.
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
