but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Randomize
