please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
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