i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Randomize