in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
My balls are so social today.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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