a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
do you know mcdonalds refuses to give out large cups of water now? you have to buy a bottle or they give you a small cup. No exceptions.
RUDE.
I said FINE, then I'd like 7 small waters and 2 of those nifty carrying cases to carry about my h2o.
outsmarted mickey deeeees
Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
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