i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
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