i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
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