I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
