you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
Randomize
