Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
Randomize