Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
How do you wash franks red hot sauce, whip cream, grapejuice and shame out of silk?
I would just throw it away. You cant just wash out shame, it has to soak for like a month.
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
Randomize
