I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
