Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
u r missing out we r watching a tranny direct traffic in a gstring
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
Randomize
