I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
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