WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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