dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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