have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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