I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
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