Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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