We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
Randomize
