i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
Randomize