He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
conclusion: canadians have really freaky sex
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Randomize
