I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Randomize
