My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Randomize
