She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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