Spring semester is just not the same w/o you
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
Do u kno any dealers?
I've officially lost all respect for you, dad.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
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