my vag is so smooth its legendary
yea ive hooked up with like half those guys
and i've hooked up with the other half...when our powers combine, we are captain slutbag
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
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