Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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