why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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