I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
Randomize
