I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
As a matter of fact my bong is named Hulkamania brother
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
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