Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
she definitely has that "I'll bang you, but then I'll tell your girlfriend" look to her.
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
Randomize