she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
