Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
