I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
Ive seen teh same guy pissing in the corner. Twice. Its eally weird. My frieds gonna do th funnel. Im so excited for her! Love, cori. Cuz its lik a diary.
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
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