He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
