I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
i just googled "who won the civil war" . how can i still have a 97% in this class?
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
