No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
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