The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
Randomize
