I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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