oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.
Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Randomize
