plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
Randomize
